i think it was somewhere between finding out i was going to be an aunt to seeing an ultrasound of tyler when he was 20 gestational weeks. or maybe it was when i saw him for the first time.
i often wonder if it was when i held him and felt his fingers. then sometimes i think about singing to him at 3:00 am when we spent hours in the ER and then were transferred to a room, all while he screamed from pain and discomfort. most of the time though, im convinced that it’s the times he made me smile when my heart mourned my life. it’s those times and all the aforementioned that make my life worth living sometimes, most of the time.
God has used tyler lee to change and transform my life in a way that i could never explain to anyone. tyler laughs at me. he thinks im funny. when i come into the room he crawls towards me to hug me. i taught him to clap and taught him the word association, “clap” means hand motion. those are the outward things that make my heart flutter with joy.
it’s the things that no one else sees that fill my eyes with tears at this very moment. God used tyler to captivate me. [i would do anything for that kid, after all, he is my bff. :)] He used tyler to bring me out of a very dark place my mind and heart were in. a place where lifes circumstances grabbed me by my ankles and held me down. a place people, especially my friends, rarely ever asked me about. a place, a valley if you will, where i spent months digging and processing through, and never seemed to get anywhere. i was stuck. stuck trying to figure out life, the purpose of it, and where i fit in it [which im convinced we never truly know, we’re all on a journey that can change with every breath]. but through tyler and through almost losing tyler [which is THE hardest thing, above everything else i’ve been through the last two years, that i’ve ever had to deal with], God revealed himself to me in a way in which i wasn’t looking. once again, i was on my knees, broken before him, yet humbled to have been given new perspective.
it’s been an emotional week for me. but a good week. a week in which tyler has once again taught me more about being an adult than any adult ever could. why are children and babies so smart, when they don’t even know it? please, someone tell me??
i thank God every moment of every day for my bug. i can’t imagine life without him, and i can’t imagine not being a part in molding him to be the person he will be.
my cup overfloweth tonight. it runs steadily over and over and my heart is filled with joy.